Jones

Short Fiction for Guests of the WordFeeder
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Printable version… Jones PDF

“Jones,” the older man at the first desk nodded without looking up.

“Good evening, Mr. Colby. How are you?”

“Jones,” as almost everyone called him, was just arriving for the night shift, midnight to 9 AM, as an Assistant Producer – one of those titles that sounded more important that it really was, that they gave you instead of money – for one of the local TV station’s news department.

“Hmm,” was Mr. Colby’s only response. Jones had no real idea what Mr. Colby did there, and wasn’t sure Mr. Colby did either. Some administrative task that didn’t require supervision, or contact with other humans apparently. Whatever it was, he’d been doing it for years.

“Jones,” the next person he saw mumbled, rushing past him, her attention focused on some papers she was desperately trying to read before she got to wherever she was going.

“Good evening, Ms. Collier.”

“Jones.” Up ahead, it was the thin man with the unusually large Adam’s apple holding his tie out of the way while he bent over the water fountain.

“Hey, Mr. Stedman,” Jones returned the greeting, continuing on his way. “How’s your daughter feeling?”

“Much better, thank you,” Mr. Stedman, on his way back up, wiping a few late arriving drops away from his mouth, seemed surprised that Jones knew to ask. “And how, uh…” He wanted to reciprocate, but was in the process of confusing Jones with someone else he didn’t really know.

Sensing the awkwardness, Jones thought he’d help Stedman out. “I don’t have any children,” he smiled politely in passing, “but thank you for asking.”

“Of course, not,” Stedman said going away.

“Of course, not?” Jones thought to himself, a look of concern rippling across his eyes and forehead. “I could have children.”

“Hi, Robert.” Robert was the sports AP, in the first carrel around the corner, in the row of carrels where Jones would spend the night, getting up occasionally to go to editing, the bathroom or throw something from the refrigerator into the microwave. Tonight was special. He’d brought a fresh French baguette, some shaved turkey and Swiss, enough for a couple of sandwiches – and a small, two person bottle of cheap Sangria that he’d left in the bag so no one looking in the refrigerator would see it.

“Yo,” was apparently all Robert had time to say, his eyes glued to some game on his screen – Brazilian women’s volley ball – that had nothing to do with his job. The shift before him had already collected all the local high school and college scores. His job was to redo the major league scripts they’d used at 11, update the clips they had for the sports-head to review when he came in, adding anything interesting that was still happening in the western time zones, plus any feature material worth airing that he could cop from newspapers and other sources out of the area.

Robert was to sports what Jones was to city life. Together with the other APs they’d produce hours of material that would be edited into 22 minutes to air between 5 and 6, and then again between 6 and 7 until the national feed took over. The other 22 minutes would be weather and traffic – two ex-cheerleaders pointing to graphics.

On most nights, it was a two to three hour job they’d manage to stretch into nine.  On the other hand, it was the middle of the night, which is how they all got hired while the normal people spent their nights, and days, doing what normal people do. For Robert, it was because he needed the money. For Jones, it was about breaking into television news, his first real job out of college.

“Is that you, Elijah?” Dawn was the only one who called him by his first name, and his whole first name at that. Without bothering to turn around, she looked up from her screen in the carrel just past his, and he could feel her smiling as if she’d been waiting for him to get in.

“Hey, Dawn,” Jones responded, plopping his worn leather saddlebag of papers down on his desk, taking off the light jacket he threw on top of the metal bookcase behind him, in the space next to the dead plant he kept for unexplained reasons. Just hearing her voice was reason enough to be there. “How’s politics in the big city?”

“Boring,” she sighed back at him. “Any delicious, salacious, blood dripping sexually charged crime you want to talk to me about? …Pleeeeease?” she fake begged him.

“Maybe later, sweetcakes,” he said in his best Philip Marlowe voice. “Let me see what’s up first, and then we’ll…” he started to say, only to be interrupted by the loud “Pfffuuuuuuu” sound his chair made when he sat down. The pneumatic poll that supported the seat hadn’t worked for weeks. He was instantly short, the front edge of his desk just about at his armpits.

“Honestly, Jones,” Jack Rawlings, the stick-up-his-ass night editor, was just walking past, on his rounds to make sure everyone was in place. “It’s not like you’re the only one here. Next time, take that to the men’s room.”

“Hysterical,” Jones thought to himself sarcastically while Mr. Rawlings continued into his office down the hall, his door – He had a door. – closing hard behind him.

“Don’t worry, Eli,” Dawn pretended to console him. “Farting is a perfectly normal bodily function,” she continued, unable to suppress her giggling, “that, uh, you needn’t be embarrassed about.” Dawn had a face that couldn’t lie, a mouth and eyes that spoke more than words could ever accomplish, a radiant confidence and intelligence that cried out for air time, some day – not to mention a smile that instantly became the only thing anyone could see, its reflection lingering on your eyes well after she’d left the room.

“You just like to say the word “Fart,” he snapped back, lifting his body up while pulling the lever on his right. “God,” he said to himself a few seconds later, waiting until the moment had dissipated in his head, “I love to hear the sound of her laughing.” Rubbing his whole face with his hand to get the blood flowing, it was time to get to work.

For the next few hours, he’d be on his computer and phone until the 5 AM news team crew came in to get ready – to read stories he and the others there would write. His job was to look for breaking local news, mostly crimes and fires, locally, but around the country too, get the details and write 30 to 60 second stories he’d produce, with tape if he thought the visuals would be that interesting and the story was worth the expense – maybe even bring in one of the reporters on call if it was a really big deal.

More of a writer than a television journalist, Jones liked to write what he called “News Noir,” adding this or that detail in the text and the tape he would edit for airing – whatever he could to give the viewer some texture, some sense of reality from a medium that had become brief to the point of meaningless. It was a style everyone seemed to like, except his editor.

“Jones!” It was Mr. Rawlings voice on the intercom built into their desk phones. “Jones! Are you paying attention?!”

“Yes, Mr. Rawlings,” Jones pressed the button to answer him, even though he could hear him over the top and through the glass walls of Rawling’s office. “What do you need?”

“Get in here.”

Ten seconds later, he was standing in front of his editor’s desk, the door to his office closing automatically behind him.

“Jones,” he was exasperated, real or pretending, Jones couldn’t tell, pointing with both hands moving palms up in opposite directions to the printed scripts lying this way and that on his desk. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” (Rawlings was one of those people who overuse profanity to the point of rendering it useless.)

It was a rhetorical question which Jones knew better than to answer, although it was getting harder and harder to hold back.

“You’ve got at most 30 seconds to tell the story.  Thirty seconds at most. With tape, maybe 60. I don’t need to see a rat running past garbage piled up near the crime scene. I don’t care about some little kid cowering behind his mother’s skirt, or how many children she has, or that she’s working two jobs and doesn’t know where they’re going to stay or buy new stuff. Who gives a crap?! Talking head, talking head, crime scene shot and we’re out. Got it?!”

And there was quiet. Rawlings, the editor may have been shouting, and Dawn and the other carrel people listening, but Jones… Jones had been busy thinking.

“No, Mr. Rawlings, I don’t.”

For the first time since Jones had come into the room, Rawlings sat back in his chair, his mouth atypically motionless. “What?”

“I don’t ‘got it.’ Forget about journalism. Forget the art of telling a good story. Just… just for a moment, think about the business, about ratings, about what sells, about the fucking – to use an adjective you can understand – monetary value of connecting with our audience. You want to know why our 5 AM news is third in this market? Because it’s boring, mind numbingly boring. You’ve crammed so many stories into so little time, no one’s paying attention. And then you have the temerity to conclude that they’re the ones with the problem, to justify your abbreviated style by arguing that our viewers haven’t the attention spans to appreciate any more than the superficial, minimalist, bulletized drivel you’re throwing at them.”

“Jones, Jones” Rawlings was pissed and mocking him. “The kid with plain vanilla name is desperate to highlight the distinguishing features of his life…”

“Sure,” Eli agreed. “Who isn’t, not to mention to the people whose stories we write and the viewers who identify with them.”

“Jones!”

“Don’t interrupt.” Eli cut him off, taking a step forward to edge of his oversized desk. His response was startling, the smile and passion on Dawn and the other ADP faces unmistakable. “Do you even know my first name? I’ve been here a year. What’s my first name? Com’on. What my first name?”

It was rhetorical, but Rawling’s eyes began to dart, and then look down at his desk for the answer.

“It’s ‘Elijah,’ ‘Eli’ for short. You can call me ‘Eli.’ ‘Elijah Conover Jones.’ ‘Conover’ was my great great grandmother’s maiden name when she came over here, a single mother barely 20 with two little kids, and built a business and a life out of nothing. Nothing. And now suddenly, you know more about me than about any headliner on this morning’s news. How long did that take?”

“Have you ever actually read the sports stories you told Robert not to send you? Do you have any idea what cool stuff he comes up with? And Dawn. What about Dawn? Hands down, she’s the best writer here…”

“Dawn?”

“Jesus,” Eli’s rage was gone now, his tone returning to normal. “Her last name is ‘Henderson.’…Your political issues AP? You know, there’s a lot more to politics than the occasional election or vote in the City Council or Legislature. No one understands politics they way she does. You want ratings? You understand ratings don’t you? The third floor sure does. Maybe we should take this conversation upstairs? Put her on the air. The wheelchair’s her problem. Not yours, and certainly not…” The look of surprise on Rawling’s face stopped him cold.

“What? You don’t think we know why you won’t put her on the air? …Unbelievable. You’re such a putz. It’s not only discrimination, it’s bad business. Who would you rather watch? Some over-made-up newsreader, or a professional who actually knows what she’s talking about and who’s had the brains and physical courage to get the under-stories that count?”

“You don’t like what I write, the pieces I produce? You’re the editor. Edit. Do your job. Just keep in mind that the ratings we get are your problem, your fault as much as they are ours.” Silence. “…I’m getting back to work.” And then he left the office.

Walking back down the hallway, he saw Robert standing outside the entrance to his carrel. “I’d be crying,” he joked, “if it were the manly thing to do.”

Eli smiled back at him, mouthing the word “Thanks” in his direction, and then noticed Dawn rolling out of her carrel in front of him.

“Hey,” she smiled up at him.

“Hey,” he smiled back.

“Bend down here so I can give you a kiss.”

And he did, her outstretched arms pulling his face toward her. It was a simple kiss, the short kind that would last forever. “Let’s go,” he said to her, face to face, kneeling in front of her, “I’ve got a sandwich with your name on it and some Sangria we can share in the lunchroom.” And then, looking straight into her eyes, “Who knows? With any luck, I may finally get up the nerve to ask you out.”

“Yes!” she blurted. “Whatever you were going to ask me,” and then she paused to catch her breath and regain her composure. “Yes,” she said, this time with determination. It was 2 AM. “Now that we got that out of the way, I’m hungry. Let’s eat.”

-wf

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Business Management 213

(The Fly and the Blonde)
Short Fiction for Guests of the WordFeeder
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Printable version… Business Management 213 PDF

“Mis-ter Conner?” It was the always skeptical, deliberate voice of Professor Weinberg, looking up from the class chart – with pictures, no less – he kept as the blotter on his lectern. If you were late for his Tuesday 8 AM class or, heaven forbid, missing, he knew it. If you were the least bit unprepared, he would sense it, and pounce. Unlike many of the other faculty in the business management program, Jacob Weinberg was no career academic, having built and made a fortune in his own business before retiring to write and teach. His students both respected and feared him, wanting to be in his class just slightly more than they didn’t. It was always a gut-wrenching, but nonetheless intellectually stimulating experience.

Eighteen rows up, just left of center from Weinberg’s point of view, Bobby Conner rolled his pen repeatedly through and over the fingers of his right hand. It was something he did automatically when he was fighting the prospect of a losing battle with the attention and focus a Socratic method lecturer like Weinberg demanded. It wasn’t a lack of interest, but a lack of sleep that was the problem.

Sitting next to him, on his right, was Shelly, the girl from Bobby’s dorm he seldom noticed, or so it seemed to her. No makeup, because she didn’t need any and wouldn’t have troubled to put it on if she did. Two different color t-shirts and jeans so comfortable she may have slept in them, her light blonde shoulder length hair going this way and that, held recklessly behind her with an oversized hair clip she grabbed on the way out the door, rushing to get to class on time. Glancing at the door next to her, she considered knocking, which would have been the friendly thing to do, but shied away, deciding instead to look forward to seeing him in class.

She was gorgeous, in a completely unpretentious way, if only Bobby were paying attention. His mind, more often than not, was somewhere else.

Dressed in a perfectly cut business suit and just the right tie – so he was thinking at daydream speed that moment – a small, soft leather portfolio under his arm, Bobby’s alter ego of the future careened around the floor to ceiling marble to the bank of elevators just off the lobby of the building where he worked. Mr. Conner was on his way up, physically and otherwise, to the senior executive conference room where he was about to make a company- and career-changing presentation.

It was crowded, but not so much that he missed seeing the knockout blonde from “Acquisitions” in the navy blue silk blouse that wouldn’t quit. She was the company babe that every male, and some of the women, in the office wanted, but who was somehow saving herself for him. A couple of polite “Excuse me”s and he was standing in front of her, she with her back to the corner of the polished mahogany paneled elevator, he facing her, his back to the door and everyone else. They had flirted around the idea of going out, but had never actually done it.

“Big meeting?” she asked him, so close he could feel her breath on his face.

“Huge,” he responded without the least hint of nervousness.

“Yeh,” she said softly, taking a step, if that was possible, even closer toward him to whisper in his ear, “well your fly’s down.”

“No it’s not.” He was surprised, but didn’t look down, unwilling and unable to stop staring at her face for even a moment, not the least bit shaken by what she said. “How was it possible,” he thought to himself, “that every luminescent hair landed just right no matter how quickly or slowly she turned her head? Could lipstick be any more red? A mouth any more inviting?”

“Wanna bet?” Smiling, her eyes glued to his, she reached down, one hand on and around his belt, the other reaching for the metal tag which was now at the bottom of his zipper, pulling it up way too slowly for any normal, soon-to-be-promoted Vice President to handle.

Her business done, it took all the concentration he had to say, “Thanks. …Maybe I can return the favor,” when his daydream was abruptly interrupted.

“Bobby!” It was Shelly.

Turning his head slowly toward her, he was struck by how familiar she looked. “A little makeup, different clothes maybe…,” he thought to himself. “She’d have to do something with her hair…”

“Bobby!!,” she rubbed his arm gently, whispering his name again, this time as loud as she could get away with.

“Mis-ter Conner?!”

“What? ..Yes, Sir.” Bobby was startled, but quickly got himself under control, the drowsiness in his eyes and demeanor pushed instantly aside by the intensity of his mind bringing itself on-line.

“Mr. Conner, do you or do you not have an opinion about the case study we’re currently discussing?”

Instinctively, Bobby began to rise to his feet. It wasn’t the college rule, but Professor Weinberg insisted on it, very “old school” and proud of it, even while Shelly was pulling on his shirt as if to hold him down.

Still whispering, she did her best to warn him, “Your fly’sssss ..down.” Too, late. He was up, and it was obvious.

Unfazed, Bobby, his voice confident and unshaken, said, “Excuse me,” reaching down, casually, to pull up his zipper as if it were absolutely no big deal. “Sorry. I was up late last night reviewing this study and two others that were similar, and obviously dressed a bit too quickly rather than risk being late.”

“Ahhh, bullshit!” one of his friends fake sneezed from the back of the lecture hall.

Bobby then spent the next two minutes going right to the heart of the case study with impressive detail and insight.

“Sur-pris-ing-ly astute, Mr. Conner,” Professor Weinberg congratulated him reluctantly. “Try to get dressed more carefully next time, before you get to class.”

“Yes, sir,” Bobby responded almost inaudibly as he sat back down.

Shelly looked up at him, mostly with her eyes, with wonder at what he’d just managed to pull off. Moving her left hand in front of her mouth, she waited a few seconds to talk until another student was busy raising some obscure and irrelevant point. “Nice save.” She couldn’t help but smile. “You guys didn’t finish playing poker last night until after midnight. …You do know I live next door, don’t you?”

“Right next door?” he whispered back, playing with her. There are, he was just beginning to realize, some people you get to meet for the first time more than once. “Nah, I checked out some stuff over the weekend.” Turning her way, about to follow up with some smart, maybe snide remark, he changed his mind – something about her eyes he hadn’t noticed before, feeling the touch of her breath on his face.

-wf

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Memo to Carolyn

Short Fiction for Guests of the WordFeeder
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Printable version… Memo to Carolyn PDF

Metamorphosis. In Biology, a profound change in form from one stage to the next in the life history of an organism.

Except for a few details, this is a true story.

The doorbell rang unexpectedly that unseasonably cool, gray Sunday morning. “I’ll get it,” she said to Jack who was busy looking through the Best Buy flier in the morning paper he’d brought back from the store down at the corner. Walking from the kitchen to answer it, past the boxes she and her husband had yet to unpack, Carolyn looked though their bay window, wishing it would start raining already and get it over with. She was numb, having been unable to sleep the night before.

“Yes,” was all she could manage to say as she opened their front door to see a woman in her thirties and a curly haired boy, maybe seven or eight, whose hand she was holding. In the boy’s other hand were one or two sheets of paper, neatly folded in half with something printed in pencil Carolyn couldn’t make out. He lifted them up, extending his arm, his eyes asking Carolyn to take them as his mother began to speak.

“Are you ‘Carolyn’? the mother asked nervously.

“Yes,” Carolyn responded tentatively, turning her eyes downward to the boy smiling up at her. “What can I do…”

“I… You don’t know us. I live in Collier, about half an hour from here. My son, Jeff,” the mother started to explain, squeezing her son’s hand as she did, “is very bright. Good computer skills. This morning he was up early on his computer, typing. His hands are a little small, but he types real well anyway. Doesn’t have to look at the keys.” A sense of pride came through her anxiousness as she continued. “This here is what he gave my husband and me when he came in for breakfast. It’s typed, as you’ll see. That’s Jeff’s printing with your name and address there on the outside.”

Kneeling down in the open doorway, Carolyn extended her hand to take the pages from the little boy, his big brown eyes giving momentary relief from the sadness she had been fighting. “Hi, Jeff. Is that for me?”

“Yep,” he said, handing it over.

Unfolding it, she saw a page and a half of very neatly typed paragraphs. “Did you type this for me?”

“Yep,” he said again, nodding his head up and down this time. “I’m in the third grade.”

“How did you know my name and address? My husband and I,” Carolyn looked up at the mother to make this point,” haven’t even finished moving in yet.”

“Don’t know,” he smiled back at her, and her back at him. “It was just there.”

“Where’s that?”

“In my head, with the words I typed.”

“How ‘bout that.” Carolyn didn’t know whether or not to believe him, but, “What the heck,” she thought to herself, standing back up. “Well, thank you. Thank you both. I’ll read it while I’m finishing my bagel.” She didn’t know what else to say, forgetting even to ask how to contact them if she had any questions.

And the mother turned, walked down the stoop, her son in tow, when Jeff stopped, turned and said, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry about what?” Carolyn asked him, still standing in the doorway.

“About your dad,” and then he turned and the two of them walked back to their car.

She was stunned. The almost surreal experience of these two strangers coming to the door, now replaced in her heart with the memory of being at the hospital the night before, realizing that her father had passed away just before she could get there.

Sitting down again, she read the note out loud to herself and Jack, who looked up at the expression on his wife’s face and listened quietly to the slight trembling in her usually steady voice.

Hi, Honey.

I don’t believe in God. You know that. We’ve talked about it from time to time. Just because there’s something, many things we don’t understand, doesn’t mean a deity had anything to do with them. It just means we haven’t figured them out yet. I believe in science. Still do, even now. And I most certainly don’t believe in ghosts. “Dead is dead,” I used to think to myself. Sad, but true. We are nothing more than complex biological machines, the imperfect product of eons of evolution, born to die.

These last few months, sitting on the deck, watching the birds and squirrels, I’ve been thinking about what makes us different from them. Many things, of course, but the one that struck me as most important is imagination. They know we exist, that we’re some kind of living thing, but they can’t imagine, can’t conceive of what we are.

And so it occurred me, albeit a self-serving realization in light of my current “predicament,” that perhaps we, too, suffer from the same shortcoming, overwhelmed as we are by the conceit and over-confidence that come naturally to any highly intelligent species.

Unlike my birds and furry friends on the deck and in the woods behind our house, we can pretty much imagine anything. It’s the stuff of science fiction, proof positive that we can conceive of things well beyond our ability to comprehend how they might be possible. Imagination is the leading edge of discovery. More and more, as our technology and knowledge advances, it becomes clear that imagining something is the precursor to figuring it out, to finding it, to making it happen. It’s not something the bird and the squirrel can do – although I wonder about the squirrels sometimes, the way they pause to figure out how to breach the “squirrel-proof” fence around the birdfeeder. They’re thinking, and there is great promise in that.

What if our recent success over the past few thousand years had made us arrogant? What if we’re not the most sophisticated, most intelligent life form on the planet? In the universe, of course we’ll concede that there must be other, superior life, but that’s a purely academic observation we lose nothing by making. Here, on earth, it’s all about us. We are the superior beings. Even more demeaning, what if we were only a stage in a process so surprising, so different from our experience, that it is, to us, a thousand times more profound than the difference between the bird and squirrel and me?

Is it possible – and the fact that I can imagine it may make it so – that exobiological intelligent life – intelligent life without discernable form, the ultimate wireless entity – exists here, and that all we are, physically, is a cocoon, larva, an interim step in the development of something else, the existence of which is nothing like human, the presence of which we cannot sense? How presumptuous of us to believe that life must have form, or that that form must be something we can see. There was, after all, a time not long ago, before microscopes, when we believed the only life there was was what we could see with the naked eye. Just because you can’t see or touch something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, but only that, whatever it is, you can’t see or touch it.

I’ve always scoffed at stories about ghosts, about communicating with the dead, out of body near death experiences, and reincarnation, about whether or not there’s any substance to the notion of a “soul.” No doubt, they’re mostly bunk, the product of confused minds and charlatans who would profit from the need many of us feel for something more. On the other hand, maybe, just maybe there’s a simpler, explanation. Maybe it’s just that there’s another life form right here on Planet Earth, the distant relative we never knew we had to whom science will someday introduce us. What I propose, it’s just occurred to me, is nothing less than a unified theory, a single explanation for all the spiritual mumbo jumbo. “ Boo!” …Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. That used to scare you when I would read to you when you were a little kid. Scare you, and then you’d laugh – but don’t think from that poor excuse for comic relief that I’m not serious – or that the circumstances of your receiving these notes should be easily dismissed. (Sorry I missed you last night, but don’t feel bad. I know you came as soon as you heard.)

Could it be that death is not the end, period, but only a milestone? That the next stage needs time to develop the intellectual power and experience to be self-sustaining in its final form? Is it possible that we fight so hard to live, not because we believe there’s nothing more to it, nothing beyond our current existence, but as an instinctive mechanism to protect the life form we are nurturing? …a life form our science will one day be able to confirm and explain? What today is unbelievable, becomes tomorrow’s common knowlege in the science textbooks of high school and college.

Honey, I’m not talking God here. Heaven forbid. Nor am I waxing philosophical about souls or spirits. I’m just wondering if there might be a form of life, from us, but not like us, into which we might, each of us individually, be evolving.

Well, it’s all so much crap, isn’t it? After all, no one ever dies to tell about it. One thing’s for sure, if you’re reading this, the words, “I will always be here for you,” will now mean more than you would have otherwise imagined. As for the voice you’ll hear in your head every now and then, the one you think sounds like me, maybe it will be.

I love you.

Daddy

There was a moment of silence around the table, Carolyn staring at the word “Daddy” while Jack’s eyes moved around the table, his head fixed and face emotionless, settling on the open and now empty plastic tub from Trader Joe’s.

“We’re out of cream cheese.”

Not bothering to look up at him, she drew a shallow breath and set the neatly typed pages she was holding down to her right, on top of the folded style section she’d been reading before the doorbell rang. Her left elbow on the edge of the table, she massaged her forehead with the thumb and fingers of that hand. And then, pulling her lips apart slowly, closing them, and trying again, “Put it on the list,” she said instinctively, “…I’ll, uh,” forgetting for a moment what she was supposed to say, “I’ll be going shopping later today.”

-wf

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“Women and Children First”?

Friday, January 16, 2009

First of all, so much for the equality of men and women, but that’s not the point.

Chivalry notwithstanding, is the mantra some people were apparently shouting on board US Airways Flight 1549 after it hit the Hudson yesterday really the most effective, life savings strategy for evacuating an aircraft in an emergency? (Heaven forbid, could it actually be US Airways or FAA policy?!)

I don’t think so. As someone who’s spent more time than I would like at 35,000 feet, I can personally attest to the cramped seats and narrow aisle which make an orderly “deplaning” at the gate take too much time. Take away the need for people to get their stuff from the overhead bins, it’s still a time consuming process.

Now imagine the unimaginable. The plane’s crashed landed on the Hudson, and filling rapidly with subfreezing water. It’s sinking, how fast, no one knows. Only the front, cockpit and over the wing exit doors are open, fearing that opening the back doors will flood the ship all that more quickly.

Under the circumstances, does it make sense to hold men at the exit doors, impeding the flow of passengers from other, more distant rows of the plane? No. That’s ridiculous.

To get everyone off as quickly as possible – including women and children in the more distant rows who, in this case would have been in the sinking, water-filled rear of the plane – you want the people nearest the open doors – regardless of their gender or age – to exit first, as quickly as possible.

If I were a woman or child in the back of Flight 1549, waiting for us to squeeze past or hop over other passengers could just end up killing me and some of those other passengers with kindness.


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Rewarding failure at the expense of success: The Government Bailout of GM, Ford and Chrysler

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Our government – Democrats more so than Republicans, but just barely – is challenging one of the most fundamental principles of a free-market economy, and of nature for that matter. Capitalism rewards success. Those companies which fail suffer the consequences, hanging on for as long as they can by virtue of their size and momentum, but eventually disappearing or morphing into a new form that is profitable. Our government, having lost faith in the economic system that made us great, is trying to change all that. They are going to fail, thank goodness, having spent hundreds of billions of dollars we don’t have. The economy will recover, in spite of all this flailing around. Only the people will have suffered by the postponement and perversion of the natural process of economic development.

It is a form of reverse Dawinism, isn’t it? I won’t bore you with the innumerable examples in nature which come to instantly to mind. Where would humanity be had the same god that guides our Congress and President-Elect implemented a similar program for less able competitive species back in the day when it would have made a difference?

Not only do we artificially continue these companies, even the management of these firms, which have so clearly proven their ineptitude, by doing so we rob those who have done better or well of the competitive advantage the deserve.

So obviously incompetent are these companies we chose to support, our Congress and President-Elect propose a “Car Czar” to oversee their operations. Is that the proper role of the government of a democratic capitalist state? Forget about political philosophies, wouldn’t it be more efficient to allow the market to effect the changes in the management and corporate culture of GM, Ford and Chrylser?

What irony. Remember how candidate Barack Obama argued that we can’t tolerate 8 more years of the failed economic and international policies of the Bush Administration? Why doesn’t that same logic apply to the current executive management of the Detroit Three? By analogy, instead of electing Mr. Obama, should we have paid President Bush and his Administration to stay in office until they got it right?

We can’t afford to be threatened, to be intimidated by the prospect of significant economic change. Quite to the contrary, it’s long overdue and something we need to embrace. Even if it means that one or more of these icons disappear, Americans’ demand for cars and trucks will be still be here and, in all likelihood, filled by in-country manufacturing.

Instead of propping up GM, Ford (the star performer of the three) and Chrysler, we should let the market determine their fate and focus our resources directly toward reducing the impact of economic adjustments suffered by affected families. Protecting their employers from the inevitability of failure is not a long term solution. It not only misses the point, it delays and corrupts the process of recovery.

Listen to the economy. Let it happen. Its process may be harsh, but it is infinitely more capable of resolving its own problems, all the more quickly and effectively if only our government would get out of its way.


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Oxymoron of the Day: President-Elect Obama’s Plan to Use Public Works Projects to “Jump Start” a Recovery

Monday, December 8, 2008

Public works projects – highways, bridges, whatever – take time, often years, and are no way to jump start anything. (The next time you have a heart attack, do you want paddles, or someone to makeover your wardrobe?) Equally important, the workforce skill set public works projects require usually has little or nothing to do with the great majority of people who are unemployed during a downturn of this magnitude. And the geography often doesn’t match.

Any historic evidence that public works projects have ever, ever caused a rapid economic recovery is nothing more than the illusion of coincidence.

We have an urgent need to generate work requiring the skills of the people who are unemployed, as close to where they used to work as possible.

The repairing and the greening of America are good things, but luxuries, the costs of which should be postponed until later, until they can be covered by the surplus government revenues of an economy that is fully recovered.


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Keeping it simple: Medical Insurance for All Americans

Sunday, December 12, 2008

President-Elect Obama is asking all of us to send him our suggestions for universal healthcare. It’s a trick, of course, the objective of which is not to provide his new administration with ideas it will seriously consider, and hasn’t heard before, but to make us all feel involved in the process. People who believe they are participating in a decision tend to be more supportive of the outcome and feel better about their leaders for including them. It’s a concept I believe Mr. Obama first learned in Political Science 101, a class he apparently thinks the rest of us skipped.

Is President Obama or anyone on his staff going to read through the millions of e- and regular mail we might send him, or is he assuming we won’t bother to respond which is probably more like it? Will the people who offer their ideas be representative of the 40 to 50 million Americans who don’t have any or adequate coverage, or of the rank and file medical services providers who struggle daily with the administrative mess and costs of medical insurance processing, and with taking care of those who don’t have any? Do any of us regular people really know what we’re doing, myself included? Of course not. Like I said, it’s a trick. I’m not fooled, but then I like to write and I’m certain the President-Elect reads the Wordfeeder religiously, so here goes.

We start by defining a minimum, but nonetheless sufficient level of medical insurance that we want all Americans to have. We define this “Standard Policy,” not only to take good care of us when we’re sick, but with equal emphasis upon preventive services which keep us healthier, which will improve the quality and length of our lives and, in the process, lower our total costs for healthcare, and increase the productively of our workforce. By “we” I mean our government working in conjunction with consumers, underwriters and medical service providers (doctors with their own practices and hospital management). It’s the challenge of consensus building Barack Obama was born to meet, or so he tells us.

We then require all medical underwriters to provide that policy for the same price – adjusted only for local economic considerations, the fact that it costs more to provide a given level of medical care in, let’s say, Manhattan, than in a smaller, less pricey community.

Everyone qualifies, for the same premiums, regardless of their medical history or current condition – as if the entire country were one large group.

All policy-related procedures, forms and other paperwork, including a guaranty of timely claims processing and reimbursement to service providers, will be standardized. All physicians and hospitals will be required to accept this insurance for the specific services it covers. Needless to say, the program has to be defined and priced in a way which enables the underwriters and service providers to make reasonable profits for the risks they incur and given the costs of the services they deliver.

The government then imposes a Medical Insurance PremiumTax on personal income. (I prefer a separate tax so that we can ask ourselves if we’re getting our money’s worth.) Like the income taxes we already pay, the lower our personal or family income, the less of that income we are expected to spend for medical insurance – as long as the total of these MIP taxes equals the costs of the premiums our government pays, plus the cost of program administration. (This is not to be a deficit spending program. Everybody, personally, is paying for the collective cost of everyone’s Standard Policy. The government’s only role is that of facilitator.) People and families with incomes below a certain level won’t pay anything, but will still receive the same Standard Policy from their choice of underwriters.

People will be free to pick any underwriter to provide Standard Policy coverage, policy premiums to be reimbursed by our government. Whoever wants better coverage, whoever wants more than what the Standard Policy provides will pay the difference out of his or her own pocket.

Underwriters will compete for our business because the Standard Policy is respectably profitable, if not wildly so, by virtue of the way the program is priced and because administrative costs should be lower, and for the premiums they stand to make on the extended coverage a great many of us will buy.

Doctors and hospitals should benefit from the uniform and prompt processing of claims in accordance with procedures they helped design.

And America? We benefit from having everyone covered at some minimum, but sufficient level. The advantages to our economy, by virtue of having a healthier workforce, will likely be many times greater than the net costs of our paying premiums for those who can’t afford them. Besides, it’s the right thing to do, helping to take care of those of us who are unable to take care of themselves.

So what do you think? Sure, getting everyone to agree upon a standard policy will be very tedious and take time, lots of it. We’ll be lucky to be ready to implement the program before the end of President Obama’s first term, but it’ll be worth the wait.

Think about how little I’m asking our government to do. Bring the three major players, consumers, underwriters and service providers, together to devise a Standard Policy, collect the taxes which is something our government does already, and pay the premiums to the underwriters we, the people, choose. It’s not only the least our government can do, it’s the most I want them to do. I want our government as far away from managing our healthcare as possible. I want to keep healthcare in the private sector, and leave it to the government to use our taxes to subsidize the development of improved healthcare technologies, and to protect us from consuming things that aren’t good for us.

What about all the companies, the federal and state governments that are used to covering at least a portion of the costs of medical insurance for their employees? Good news. Now they can find another way to give their employees reasons to work for them, while booking a portion of the savings they enjoy to their bottom lines or using it to help cover the costs of other government programs.

Did you notice that at no time have I suggested that businesses pay for this program? It’s no accident. I’m trying to level the playing field so that larger firms don’t have the advantage of being able to pay less for medical insurance they buy in bulk, the costs of which they can more easily pass through to their customers, while smaller companies can less easily afford to offer their employees comparable insurance benefits, and often don’t.

Unions will be a problem, but then unions are a problem. Witness their complicity in the demise of US auto manufacturing. If ever there was an organization whose time is up, it’s the UAW.

In fact, the biggest problem will be convincing businesses and underwriters that they’re no longer going to be doing business with each other – except, perhaps, when it comes to Standard Policy upgrades as employee benefits.

Problem solved, President Obama. That was easy. Now you can do something for me. Next time, try to remember that we elected you to solve our problems for us. The election’s over. Time for you to provide the superior management you promised. It’s time for substance over style. Patronizing the people by asking for our individual opinions on such a profoundly complicated and sensitive issue as universal healthcare is no way to prove you’re worthy of our confidence.

Why can’t I shake the sense that you’ve taken on way more than you can handle? Did you honestly think being a local Community Organizer and playing follow your party’s leadership for three years prepared you for all this? Next thing, you’ll probably be recommending public works projects to get our economy back on track. …Nah.


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The “Double Standard” Complaint of Sarah Palin

Saturday, November 8, 2008

I’m a big fan of Sarah Palin. I like her, and respect what’s she’s accomplished, personally, politically and for the people of Alaska. I don’t live in Alaska, but wouldn’t mind her replacing the governor of my own state.

In an interview, portions of which I saw on yesterday’s news, Governor Palin commented about the unfairness of how the media went after her appearance in ways they never would have done to her male counterparts. She’s right. They did. It’s also true that they would have been less discriminatory in their questions and comments had she been a Washington insider and/or less attractive – closer, in other words, to the standard for women in politics which most mainstream media find acceptable.

I think she’s right, and that the behavior of the media is wrong, but there’s a related counter-point which always goes unsaid, until now. (You can thank me later.)

Many women have been brought up and conditioned to think they look better wearing makeup, high heels, an interesting “do,” and more elaborate professional clothing. And to be honest, I was raised to believe that, too. Men, on the other hand, don’t do that, don’t think that way for the most part. Some do, of course, but most of us don’t. Whether or not women look better coloring their faces, standing on their toes or spending significant time and money preparing their hair which might be put to more productive use isn’t the point. If you’re a woman and you want to do those things because you believe it’s good for your self-image, career, whatever, that’s entirely up to you. But if that is what you choose to do, be aware that it gives many men, and probably more than a few women, the sense that you believe those accoutrements are an important element of how you define yourself – when, in fact, that may not be why you want to be hired or elected.

Although it’s been a while, I’ve been around women who would go braless to make a statement which was popular at the time, but not dream of giving up their lipstick and eyeliner. However interesting the look, I remember asking myself then, and now, what was the point they were trying to make?

If you’re a woman and you’re going to wear makeup, etc., which your male counterparts do not, it’s your right, but don’t be surprised if you’re viewed and treated differently because you do. There’s a double standard, all right, and it’s wrong, but most women continue to do little or nothing to discourage it.

We just elected a black man President because most of us don’t care about the color of his skin – or what he, himself, described, as “Alfred E. Newman ears.” I don’t think he wears makeup, at least not in the ordinary course of business. I’m pretty sure that’s his own hair which he spends little or no time preparing, and the heels on his ordinary shoes are minimal. A similar day may come soon, I hope, for women when most of us have stopped considering their appearance as relevant, and focus instead upon their abilities and experience. It’s something they have to believe, too, and probably first, before the rest of us get the point. Personally, I can’t wait.

P.S. In case you’re wondering, it wasn’t that the Republicans spent all that money on Governor Palin’s wardrobe that bothered me so much, as it was that they thought she needed to look better, and that she was, at least tacitly, conceding the point by not opposing it. In retrospect, do his managers think that, if only they had spent more money on Senator McCain’s clothes, he might have won?


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“Dream a little dream of me.”*

Short fiction for guests of the WordFeeder.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Printable version… Dream a Little Dream of Me PDF

“Bobby?” As tiny as their apartment was, there were times when they couldn’t see each other. “Bobby, where are you?!” She shouted, struggling with one hand to dump their bedroom trashcan into the big garage bag she was holding in her other, and do it in the less than 18” they had between that one side of their bed and the wall with the window to the fire escape.

“Hi, Dorothy.” It was the shrill, instant headache, unforgivingly cheerful voice of her neighbor, the older lady that lived on her same floor but in the building that backed up against theirs.

“Hi, Mrs. Donnelly,” she answered reluctantly, pausing a second to look over rather than feeling bad the rest of the night for having ignored her. “How,” she thought to herself, “could someone that nice be so annoying?” “It’s cold out,” she said out loud this time, “shouldn’t you be closing your window?”

“You’ve got yours open” She was annoying, but not stupid.

“You’re right, Mrs. Donnelly. What was I thinking? ..Good night now,” and she reached up to pull the lower half of the window down, turning the lock and waving goodbye with a quick back and forth motion of her hand. “ … Bobby!”

“What?!” came the muffled, frustrated voice of her husband from behind the pocket door at the end of their kitchen, “I’m in the bathroom. Give me a break.”

“I’m taking the trash out.”

“Fine, fine, fine,” he responded with almost, but not quite complete disinterest, followed by the sounds of his turning the page and then refolding the front section of that morning’s Times he was just getting around to reading.

“Ummmh.” She was strong for being only five foot three, but the old metal door to their apartment, made heavier by more than a hundred years of sloppy paint, always took her best effort. Somehow the grunt seemed to help. “I’ll be right back,” she mumbled, not wanting to make herself heard over the banging shut of the door behind her. Instinctively, she patted the right front pocket of her jeans to make sure she had her key, the garbage bag she was carrying brushing up against the plaster wall of their narrow hallway.

Five flights down and around the marble steps of the converted tenement where they lived, past the building mail box, and she was almost at the door to the side alley. Outside there was a platform and two steps down to where the trash cans and, yes, an occasional rat would be waiting. But these were good, West Village rats, bohemian and more friendly than most in the city, so she liked to think, that fortunately she had never had the pleasure of meeting.

She took out the garbage every night after dinner, but tonight would be different. Tonight, coming around the corner past the mailboxes, in the dim light from the high ceiling above her, there on the small dirty white tiles just ahead of where she was walking, there was something dark on the floor. Letting the bag she was holding in her left hand down slowly, she bent over, not wanting to kneel down. Leaning forward, it was… it was.. “Blood?” she whispered calmly, at first, until the almost academic nature of her investigation was interrupted by the “chunk” of the door a few feet in front of her.

“Oh, my God!” she whispered nervously. “There must have been someone there,” she thought to herself. And then something else caught her attention. To her right, on the wall, she extended her own hand as if to touch the red print, smeared as if someone had pressed their hand against the wall on their way down to the floor. Turning her hand slowly to see her palm, a wave of fear unlike anything she had ever imagined finally hit her.

“BOBBEEE!!!!” Dorothy turned to run up the five flights back to her apartment. “BOBBEEEE!!” she kept shouting, running as fast as she could…

“What?! What’s wrong,” he rolled and sat up on his side of their bed. “What is it?” But then he knew, seeing her sitting up, staring at the palm of her right hand, her face contorted with fear, her chest heaving as it fought to catch the breath she didn’t really need to take. “Com’on,” he said, reaching around and pulling her toward him. “It’s just a dream, the same dream you keep having. …It’s not real. It’s not real, honey.”

It took what seemed to be forever, but she finally calmed down and fell back to sleep in his arms lying there, her head against his chest, his arm still around her.

——————————

“Mr. Cooper? …Mr. Cooper?”

“Yes, Doctor. Sorry, I…”

“It’s okay. You’ve been here with her for two days now. I’m sorry I had wake you, but I’m getting out of here for the night and didn’t want to leave without giving you an update.”

“So how’s she doing, Doctor?” Bobby asked, getting up from the chair by the window where he had finally fallen asleep, exhausted to the point of shaking when he talked. “Why isn’t she conscious yet? Shouldn’t she…”

“Hold on. I think she’s going to be okay. Actually, physically, she appears to be recovering well from the surgery.”

“Then why isn’t she…”

“Bobby, listen to me,” he responded, doing his best to calm Bobby down. “Think about it… She goes down to take out the trash, like she does every night, but this time she interrupts some spaced out druggy who’d apparently come in, the Police aren’t sure why, panics and shoots her. That kind of trauma does things to your head. If one of your neighbors hadn’t stopped by for his mail, she could have died, could have bled to death, but she didn’t. She’s going to be okay. This tossing you see, this squinting and anxiety you see in her face… She’s fighting on one hand to wake up, but on the other to stay under, to make it a dream, to fight the reality of what’s happened to her.”

“When do you…”

“I don’t know, Bobby. You sit by the bed like you’ve been doing. Hold her hand. Talk to her. Most of all, let her hear your voice. …You’ll both be okay.”

-wf

*From the lyrics by Gus Kahn.

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The Politics Versus Common Sense of Sending Checks to the Middle Class

Saturday, November 8, 2008

This is another (the first, actually) in my series on “Just because you know how to run for President doesn’t mean you’ll know what to do when you get there.” President-Elect Obama continues to like the idea of sending checks to everyone in the so-called “Middle Class” as a means of encouraging an economic recovery. I’ve heard mention of amounts as high as $100 billion.

Wait… Before I go any further, it’s important that you understand that this isn’t a partisan piece. Party affiliation and whether or not you’re liberal or conservative have nothing to do with it. What it’s about is the practical, common sense need for us to spend money where it does the most good – notwithstanding the political implications. The objective is, or should be after all, to use as little as possible to accomplish as much as you can to help the economy do what it does best by itself, but faster and with less adverse consequences.

Economics has always been the science of the allocation of scarce resources. Government attempts to influence the economy are no different. And if, in the process, you can affect its character, if you can change the economy, not to make it into something it isn’t per se, but to make adjustments which a lack of competition and other anomalies might have prevented, well then, this is your chance. Use the opportunity, but use it wisely or you’ll be screwing up royally. The prospect of saving our auto industry is a good example of just such a situation – but this piece is about the simplest use of fiscal policy.

What’s wrong with sending a check to everyone in the Middle Class? By “Middle Class,” let’s assume they mean “most of us,” and not quibble over precise definitions. The point I’m about to make is powerful enough on its own. Sending everybody money is easy, but does it accomplish our objective?

Personal income, according to the government, is running at about $12.25 trillion. That, according to the BEA (Bureau of Economic Analysis) is the “seasonally adjusted annual rate” for September 2008. For every $100 billion we send out, in gross terms that’s only 8.16 tenths of one percent of total personal income. It’s the proverbial “drop in the bucket.”

Good news, though, there are what are called “multiplier effects” that amplify the impact of any money we hand out. You buy something at the mall or on-line, the people who get paid as a result of what you purchased buy something, and so on until the ripples of the splash you made finally dissipate. Let’s assume the multiplier is, I don’t know, 5. I suspect that’s wildly high, and varies dramatically depending upon the specific spending stream we generate, but it’ll do for the sake of discussion. Five times 8.16 tenths of a percent is only is 4.08 percent of total Personal Income, but is it enough to slow the pace of the down turn, let alone turn the economy around and speed up the recovery. Remember Newton’s law about how an object at rest tends to stay at rest, while an object in motion tends to stay in motion? (Who said physics had nothing to do with economics?) Well, just how much force do you think it will take to affect the course of a huge and highly complex economic organism that is producing a Gross Domestic Product of $11.7 trillion? Will $100 or even $500 billion do it? Not likely, and only if it’s perfectly positioned, a point which I’ll explain in moment.

Even worse, a multiplier effect only happens if the first people who receive the incentive spend the money. There are more than 100 million household in the United States according to the Census Bureau. Per $100 billion we send them, that’s $1,000 a piece. Now, a thousand dollars is, well, a thousand dollars and I’m not turning it down, but what, precisely, am I going to do with it? I’m scared. The economy is tanking. I don’t have any savings, and too much credit card debt, student loans and a mortgage. Yikes! The point is, not to make the least bit fun of what is a very serious situation, it’s not at all clear that Americans receiving this incentive money won’t either just save it and/or use it to pay down some of the debt they’re carrying – and there goes your multiplier effect. In fact, there goes any effect at all.

Maybe you think that just the act of sending out all those checks will encourage business people to rehire, that the program’s impact on consumer and entrepreneurial confidence is really the objective – to which I say, “You’ve never had to make a payroll, have you?” If anything, rehiring and increases in consumer spending based on consumer confidence tend to lag behind the dollars and sense facts of the recovery. They help most when the fundamentals of recovery are already in place, but consumers and businesses are still a bit skittish about getting back to where they were before the recession.

Here’s the deal. If you’re going to attempt to affect the US economy by spending only a few hundred billion dollars for direct cash payments to consumers, it’s got to be entirely about leverage, about focusing your limited dollars where they are likely to do the most good. However much easier, you can’t just spread it around. You’ve got to give it to the people, to the specific households who are most likely to spend it – who have what used to be called the highest “marginal propensity to consume.” Equally important, you need to give them the money in a way which encourages them to spend those dollars in a manner which will have the greatest, most immediate impact on the economy – the highest multiplier effect.

What does that mean? It means, quite simply, that we need to give the money – not just a $1,000 per household – but much more, to concentrate the money we do spend on those households who, because they’re unemployed or otherwise under-spending for lack of income, are most likely to spend what we give them. And it also means that we need to give people – but not necessarily the same households – the direct support they need to buy the goods produced by sectors of the economy which are struggling, such as housing and automobiles, for example. (It’s certainly smarter and a whole lot cheaper than trying to bail out the corporate giants in those industries.)

Okay, you read what I wrote. Does it still make sense to you to disperse $100 billion or more of your tax dollars, to increase our national debt by giving every household some relatively small amount of money, across the board? No, at least I hope not. It’s almost the last thing you want to do, however easy and politically popular. Is it the best our economic advisers, Congress and the new President-Elect can do?

Unfortunately, it still makes politically good sense. It may be a useless, wasteful program, but it still makes good sense in the context of bad government. Giving some money to everyone quickly makes it look like they’re doing something. If the economy recovers, then President Obama and the Democrats in Congress will take credit for it. If the economy doesn’t recover soon enough, well then, it was obviously in worse shape than anyone anticipated. At least they tried, albeit not hard enough. And what is the only real analytical tool we have to determine the effect of such a program? Simple coincidence. We (our government) did something and the economy recovered. What we did must have been the reason. Did you know that, every morning I get up, the sun rises? Don’t worry. I promise I won’t let it go to my head.


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