Category Archives: Life

“What the.. ?” of the Day: Who is NBC’s Dick Ebersol kidding?

Friday, January 15, 2010

Hi. According to an article by Lisa de Moraes in this morning’s New York Times, Dick Ebersol, Chairman of NBC Sports, believes that the mess NBC has created in its 10 PM through 12:35 AM time slots is the result of “an astounding [ratings] failure by Conan” on the Tonight Show. (I think I deserve points for not making any of the obvious jokes involving Mr. Ebersol’s first name. Thank you. Thank you very much.)

Mr. Ebersol’s conclusion is tantamount to suggesting, let’s say to the police, that they follow someone by driving in front of them. There are two reasons why Conan’s ratings aren’t yet what they will be eventually. The first is that his particular brand of fresh, innovative comedy is somewhat of an acquired taste. Jay is “old school” by comparison. Conan has only had the show for 7 months. Give him time. He’ll build the audience NBC wants and desperately needs.

The other reason for Conan’s current ratings is the poor lead that NBC has delivered from the debacle which is the Jay Leno show at 10 PM. It’s not Jay’s fault, per se. It was a bad programming choice by network management. Blaming Conan for it is ridiculous, and Ebersol should get back to trying to save some of the $200 million NBC Sports is forecast to lose on this year’s Winter Olympics.

Conan’s Tonight Show is in it’s infancy alright, but it’s not the reason affiliates are screaming about their 11:00 PM local news shows losing up to 50% of their audience since NBC but Jay Leno on 5 nights a week at 10 PM. No, Dick, it’s the other way around. Local news viewership is down because of weak, however profitable, but weak 10 PM programming, and The Tonight Show’s ratings are suffering for the same reason.

Note to NBC senior management: It’s not Conan. It’s not even Jay. It’s your genius programming management that’s the problem and needs to be replaced.

Not to worry. Conan has put The Tonight Show up for sale on Craig’s List. I say we all chip in, buy the show, and leave it right where it is.

4 SALE: BARELY-USED LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW-MAKE ME AN OFFER!!! (Universal Studios)

This is a chance of a lifetime to own your very own late night talk show — guaranteed to last for up to seven months!! Really must see to appreciate!”

Information for potential buyers:

Measures 100′ x 100′ x 32′ — plenty of room for a futon.

Designed for 11:35, but can be easily moved.

Band can be sold separately.

Buyer must honor Barry Manilow booking next Thursday.

MAKE YOUR BEST OFFER!!!!!  (Also willing to trade for Coldplay tickets.)

-wf


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“People of Earth:” The class act and great comedy of Conan O’Brien.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

In a professional, heartfelt and completely reasonable letter to NBC management, Conan O’Brien has rejected the notion that he would move his show from 11:35 PM to 12:05 AM behind Jay Leno. I won’t summarize its content. It’s brief, to the point, and very much worth reading – if for no other reason for its comic salutation and last paragraph. If ever there was any doubt, which there wasn’t, Conan is a class act and world class comedian.

To NBC management, if they’re listening, the problem isn’t Conan O’Brien, it’s Jay Leno and the 10 PM daily time slot that has basically killed Jay’s momentum as a major draw. Way to go. I like Jay, but Conan is the future of The Tonight Show legacy. You need to get your own act together and come up with compelling television for 10 o’clock.

If anyone needs to go, it’s NBC programming senior management that’s kept their network in third place behind Fox and CBS.

As for me, I’ll be following Conan to whatever planet he ends up – “in the year 2000.”

-wf


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There are many reasons to die. A typo shouldn’t be one of them.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

As you may have heard, one of the reasons we let a terrorist on board that Christmas day flight to Detroit was apparently because his name was misspelled on some list or screen. (See, for example, “State Department failed to confirm terror suspect’s visa,” CNN Politics, January 8, 2010.) The correct spelling, as best I can tell, is “Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab,” with or without the space between his last two names.

Joe Smith

Admittedly, particularly for westerners unfamiliar with Muslim names, it’s a far cry from “Joe Smith” and typos are human nature. Okay, but lives are at stake. In no small way, the fate of a great nation hangs on the quality of our security systems and the software on which those systems rely.

Mind you, I’m no techie, but I do use Google and, yes, I sometimes misspell something when I initiate a search. When I do, Google responds by asking, “Do you mean: …,” and suggests an alternative spelling based on information it has on file. Within reason, go to Google and try entering Mr. Abdul Mutallab’s name, making an innocent typo when you do, and see what happens.

Typo

Am I being unfair? After all, Mr. Abdul Mutallab is all over the Internet now, but was unknown on the Internet before Christmas. Sure, but my point is still valid. When lives are on the line, the least we can expect is for our security systems software to find similar names and offer them as options to the authorities who might then realize, in a world of long, complicated and unfamiliar names, that maybe, just maybe the guy waiting nervously in line to board the plane, the one with the unusually large bulge in his pants, is worth a second look.

Maybe it’s time we put Google in charge of airport security. There are many reasons to die. A typo shouldn’t be one of them.

If you have time, take a look at To paraphrase Walt Disney, “Yemeny Cricket!”, published Monday, January 4, 2010 on the WordFeeder.

-wf


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It’s not what Senator Reid said that’s so troubling, as it is our reaction to it.

Monday, December 11, 2010

We live in an age in which everybody is way too sensitive.

For the record, I’m not a big fan of Harry Reid, Majority Leader in the Senate. I don’t think he’s that bright. I think he cares more about politics than about the American people. And I think he has a reckless disregard for the Constitution and our laws as recently demonstrated by his having bribed some of his colleagues to secure their votes for what has got to be one of the most ill begotten pieces of major legislation in the our country’s history. With any luck, the voters of Nevada will consider it their duty to throw him out of office in November.

During the 2008 Presidential campaign, as reported in a new book, “Game Change,” by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, Senator Reid made the observation that America was probably ready for a “light-skinned” African American, well-spoken, “with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.” (Breathtaking, isn’t it, the things a person of Senator Reid’s intellectual power thinks about in his spare time.) Senator Reid has now apologized to President Obama. To no one’s surprise, Republicans are busy complaining about there being a double standard based on what they imagine the Democrats would be screaming if Reid had not been one of their own.

To his credit, President Obama has accepted Senator Reid’s apology, for what it was worth. While Candidate Obama may have used race to help him get elected, the last thing President Obama needs right now is the distraction of another headline-stealing discussion of racism in America. Between healthcare legislation, Afghanistan, Yemen and other crises real and imagined, he has other things on his mind.

Hmmm. My problem is that I don’t think Senator Reid said anything to apologize about. We might not like what he said for its implications about lingering racism, but the fact that he said it doesn’t change anything for the better or worse. That he said it at all, apparently in what he thought was a private conversation, says more about his age and profession than it does about any personal biases he may hold. In fact, it says nothing at all about the latter.

For another, what if it hadn’t been Harry Reid who said it? What if it had been, oh, I don’t know, an academically objective black Professor of Political Science at a major, well respected university? The point is, as an academic observation, it has merit. It’s at least debatable, and certainly no cause for panic – or apology.

No. The problem here is not what Senator Reid said, it’s the fact that he felt the need to apologize for it, that President Obama considered it appropriate to accept his apology rather than decry the need for it, and that it’s now become a big deal.

What is going on? Is our country being run my nincompoops? Does anyone not involved in Washington politics really think this is worth talking about – other than the media, of course? And please… Please don’t tell me that rank and file black people are insulted. With the exception of most of our elected officials in Washington, no one is really that small-minded.

-wf


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Maybe it’s time we put Google in charge of airport security.

Friday, January 8, 2010

As you may have heard, one of the reasons we let a terrorist on board that Christmas day flight to Detroit was apparently because his name was misspelled on some list or screen. (See, for example, “State Department failed to confirm terror suspect’s visa,” CNN Politics, January 8, 2010.) The correct spelling, as best I can tell, is “Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab,” with or without the space between his last two names.

Joe Smith

Admittedly, particularly for westerners unfamiliar with Muslim names, it’s a far cry from “Joe Smith” and typos are human nature. Okay, but lives are at stake. In no small way, the fate of a great nation hangs on the quality of our security systems and the software on which those systems rely.

Mind you, I’m no techie, but I do use Google and, yes, I sometimes misspell something when I initiate a search. When I do, Google responds by asking, “Do you mean: …,” and suggests an alternative spelling based on information it has on file. Within reason, go to Google and try entering Mr. Abdul Mutallab’s name, making an innocent typo when you do, and see what happens.

Typo

Am I being unfair? After all, Mr. Abdul Mutallab is all over the Internet now, but was unknown on the Internet before Christmas. Sure, but my point is still valid. When lives are on the line, the least we can expect is for our security systems software to find similar names and offer them as options to the authorities who might then realize, in a world of long, complicated and unfamiliar names, that maybe, just maybe the guy waiting nervously in line to board the plane, the one with the unusually large bulge in his pants, is worth a second look.

There are many reasons to die. A typo shouldn’t be one of them.

If you have time, take a look at To paraphrase Walt Disney, “Yemeny Cricket!”, published Monday, January 4, 2010 on the WordFeeder.

-wf


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To paraphrase Walt Disney, “Yemeny Cricket!”

Monday, January 4, 2009

My Pick for Ambassador to Yemen

So here’s this country, Yemen, where wannabe terrorists go to be trained in ways they can kill us. How nice. Remind me not to go there on vacation.

One of their graduates, from the Yemen Institute for Terrorist Studies – albeit not, apparently, one of their best students – turns out to be the textbook case for who not to let on a plane bound for the United States. Heck, he should have been denied a visa if, for no other reason, than not even Americans want to go to Detroit. How suspect is that?! And yet, he gets a ticket, and tries to blow up the plane. Thank goodness he wasn’t very good at his job.

It’s a failed attack on the United States which does us the huge favor of pointing out that our sense of security against just such an attack has been largely illusory. That’s the good news. The bad news, and no small victory for these criminals, is that it will succeed in causing us to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on high tech scanners and their use, not to mention the countless hours of otherwise productive time most harmless passengers will be wasting going through these machines.
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Enchilada Books (.com)

Short Fiction for Guests of the WordFeeder
Saturday, January 2, 2010

Inspired by my favorite corner bookstore.

“Hey, babe,” Toby Cooper looked up to see his wife, Amanda, and their three year old son, Nathan, on their way in. “Close the door, will you?”

Toby was the third generation owner of “My Family’s Bookstore” that had been there on the corner for what seemed like forever. It was and had always been an ethnic neighborhood, a place where people from somewhere else came on their way to making something more of themselves. Amidst all this change, My Family’s Bookstore was one of the few constants.

Whatever their origins or reasons, just having made it this far was proof of their motivation, of character and commitment which, by and large, would serve them well. Toby’s great-grandfather was no exception. He began waiting tables and eventually managed a prominent local restaurant until he retired. It was his son, Toby’s grandfather, the first of his family to go to college in a time when not everyone did, who started the bookstore. When he retired, his son, Toby’s father, took over, expanding the store into their building’s second floor, growing the business for Toby who came to work there full-time after he graduated. And now, with the untimely death of his father a few years ago, the store was Toby’s. He was young, but ready. It was a bookstore he had been born to run.

“Hi, Daddy!” Nathan was so excited, his dark brown curly hair bouncing as he trotted around the big old desk in his father’s office to give Toby a hug. Climbing up on Toby’s lap, he would pay attention, shaking his head up and down, left and right sometimes, touching the papers on his father’s desk as if he understood what was happening. The three of them lived in the loft apartment on the fourth and top story of the building. The bookstore was on the first two floors, and kept its supplies and extra inventory in the basement. The third floor was divided into two apartments that were rented. It was a good, sturdy building, the kind about which people like to say, “They don’t make them like that anymore.”
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Mold Devil

Short Fiction for Guests of the WordFeeder
Sunday, December 27, 2009

This is a little story about my father, Thomas Barnard, who encouraged me
to write and who will always be my biggest fan. “You’ll be better soon, Daddy.”

“Hi,” he said to the two female graduate students who had been staying with the patient, doing their best to communicate with him. Women, his years of experience had taught him, were better at making patients – without gender specific disorders – feel comfortable. “Give us 30 minutes, and then wait outside until we’re done.” Saying nothing, the two left the room, the door locking shut behind them. Once closed, a security code was required to exit without assistance from the outside. The windows for this third story apartment looked ordinary enough, but didn’t open and were made of unbreakable glass – as were the lens covers for the surveillance cameras. There were no curtains or blinds. The glass in the windows could be darkened electronically with the turn of a dial.

“How are you today, Mr. Barnard?” Dr. Brian Cummings was the Chairman of the Institute for Psychological Studies where Thomas Barnard had been admitted a few days earlier. Notwithstanding his administrative responsibilities, Cummings continued to handle patients, deferring his more mundane management tasks to others he’d hired. With him that morning was Dr. Elisha Mercer, a junior colleague on the faculty. Together, they were in the studio apartment that was, for patients of the institute, the style of the room to which they were assigned. Thomas was standing, staring out of the bay window that looked out over the woods at the edge of the campus. It didn’t seem as if he’d heard them come in, so Dr. Cummings tried again. “Mr. Bernard?”
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Do women really live longer than men?

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I don’t think so.

Round numbers, American women have an average life expectancy of 80 years, while my gender – I’m a guy. – is expected to average only 75 years. That’s a 5 year spread in my wife’s favor. The question I have is, are women that much stronger, that much more durable than men, or do they just get more sleep than we do? Let me explain.

Keep in mind that I’m basing my analysis on a scientifically selected sample of two, my wife and me, which means my conclusions will be accurate to within a margin of error of plus or minus 100%. Put another way, in language my wife might use, I have no idea what I’m talking about. Now try to keep up.

My wife – the love of my life and woman of my dreams – sleeps an average of 8 hours a day. I, on the other hand, sleep an average of only 6 hours. This 2 hour difference can be explained by any number of factors, none of which I care to talk about in mixed company.


This is where my wife and I sleep. That’s her on the left.
(Notice that I’m missing.)

We were married when we were 22, the summer we graduated from college. When I’m 76, we will have been married 54 years. Let’s do the math:

54 years x 365 days/year = 19,710 days that we will have been married. (I’ll confirm this by counting the lines – 4 vertical, 1 diagonal – that I’ve scratched into the brick of our fireplace.)

19,710 days x 2 hours/day that I’m awake, but my wife isn’t = 39,420 hours extra awake time I will have had during the life of our marriage.

My wife’s awake 16 hours a day. Okay, 39,420 hours / 16 hours/day = 2,464 “wife days” that I will have been awake more than she has. (I had no idea this was going to be so easy to prove.)

2,464 “wife days” / 365 days/year = 6.75 more “wife years” that I have been awake than she has. In terms of “wife years,” when I die at 76, I’ll really be 82.75 “wife years” old. My wife, on the other hand, will only live to be 80.

So there! I rest my case. (Speaking of rest, I think I need a nap.)

-wf


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Dream On

Short Fiction for Guests of the WordFeeder
Friday, December 25, 2009

“Pssst.” Nothing. “…Hey,” he said a little louder.

“Whuh!” Carole shot up in her bed. “Ah,” she couldn’t seem to breathe, fumbling franticly in the almost darkness for her glasses on the crowed night table, pushing her alarm clock onto the floor, rattling her metal lampshade while she nervously clicked the switch again and again.

“Looking for these?” The stranger standing a few feet to the side of her bed held up her glasses and cell phone. Given the circumstances, his voice and demeanor were remarkably casual. He seemed comfortable, at ease with himself as if this was something he’d done before. “I’ve turned off your power. The light won’t go on. There’s no point.”

Carole could see him, but not clearly. Her vision wasn’t all that good, and the only light in the room was from a lamppost on the other side of the street coming through narrow blinds she’d closed just enough to give her privacy. Her breathing was labored.
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