Tag Archives: Life

Happy Valentine’s Day

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Today is the one day of the year, so we learn as kids, when we are commercially compelled to acknowledge our affection for someone special. For me, it all started with one of those no-envelope cards kids buy in bulk. I wrote my name on it and left it, when she was hanging up her coat, for the little girl with short, curly blonde hair sitting two rows over and three desks up in Miss Brewer’s second grade class. (“If only, just maybe, she feels the same way about me,” I remember thinking to myself. “ ..Oh. Uh oh. She’s turning, holding my card and now she’s smiling at me. ..Oh, jeez. What do I do now?!”)

Decades later, she still has me asking the same question. “Jeez, what do I do now?” For many more years than I can count on all my fingers and toes, I’ve been married to that girl with the short blonde hair. Not the same one I met in elementary school. Not exactly. It just seems that way, as if we’ve always been together, as if that was the way it was supposed to be from the very beginning. It’s a good feeling and I’m pretty sure that was when, back in Miss Brewer’s second grade class, I fell in love with the girl with the short blonde hair I met in college and married a few years later.
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Mary

Short Fiction for Guests of the Wordfeeder
Thursday, February 2, 2012

Time to write another short story, but I’m not sure what I should write about. ..Hm. Should that be “about what I should write,” so I don’t end up with a dangling preposition? I don’t care. I don’t like the way it sounds.

I need a storyline. You know, a plot, not to be confused with a “plat” which is a drawing of a lot, versus “Gersplat!” which is the sound you make when you fall off a building onto the pavement, followed by “buh-bump” when the bus runs you over just when you started to get up.

I haven’t written a detective story for a while.

Maybe Mary will be horny and stop by after she gets home from work. Do I mind being her go to guy for an occasional quickie? Are you kidding? You haven’t seen Mary. Actually, yes I do mind. She hangs out with me. We have a great time talking, laughing at stuff, rubbing body parts. She even stays over some nights, always at my place for some reason. Heck, I know the reason. We’re good together in every respect, except in public. That’s because she has a boyfriend. He’s a dentist. How boring is that?
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Last Picked

Short Fiction for Guests of the Wordfeeder
Friday, December 30, 2011

“Hey.”

“Hey. ..I’m just finishing up. What can I..”

“Some of us are going out for burgers, the little Happy Hour kind. Why don’t you join us?”

“Well, for one thing, I don’t eat beef and I have absolutely no social graces.”

“Why don’t you eat beef? Is it a religious thing?”

“No. It’s a saturated fat thing.”

“What about forks? Do you eat with your fingers, or do you use forks?”

“Only when I order soup.”

“Great. What more can a girl ask? You’ll fit in perfectly.”
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Bathroom Windows

Short Fiction for Guests of the Wordfeeder
Tuesday, December 27, 2011

“Hey, Jaime.”

There was, he had decided some time ago on the day they had started sleeping together, no more friendly greeting than a beautiful woman calling out to you from her shower. They weren’t lovers, not exactly, just friends who had sex occasionally. It was the casual pleasure of it all that he found so irresistible, that made him so glad he’d rented her the cabin next door.

Years ago, when his grandparents bought the land along the bayside of the ocean inlet, their family and friends thought it was a nice thing, but a waste of money. So far off the beaten path, the only way there was a dirt road that stopped at the dunes, a good mile from where they built the small cottages so close to each other, one for themselves and, later, another for Jaime’s parents. Over the years they’d built more, a total of twenty, renting the others out whenever they could find a tenant which wasn’t often then, but pretty much all the time now that the ocean side of the peninsula was crowded with condos, hotels, stores and clubs. Most of his grandfather’s property, several times the land occupied by the cottages, remained wild and untouched by development.

Decades after his grandparents first vacationed there, Jaime was his family’s sole survivor. A good guy addicted to writing, he lived there year around, essentially for free, enjoying the quiet of the bayside and the easy going excitement of the ocean city nearby. He wrote mostly screenplays, perfecting his art in lazy anticipation of the story he was sure some Hollywood producer would buy someday.
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Yes, my wife has left me…

Thursday, December 15, 2011

..for a short, bald guy who giggles when you blow raspberries on his tummy. Now how can I compete with that?

Apparently, according to recent studies, people aren’t getting married like they used to. And puh-leeze don’t tell me “no one’s going to buy the cow if you can get the milk for free.” I never did get that expression. Who wants to marry a cow anyway? (Isn’t that kind of thing against the law? I’ll ask Governor Perry. He’ll know.) Besides, I’ve been going to the grocery store a lot lately, and the milk is anything but free.

If taxes, companionship, the concept, if not the reality, of sex on a regular basis and the thrill of knowing someone who sees you without pretense or makeup will still come home at the end of the day – and did I mention love?… If these weren’t reasons enough to get married, or at least live together, let me add one more that’ll put the oft-maligned tradition over the top: Time. Alone, there just isn’t enough of it.
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Voter Insanity

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

It’s said that one definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome. By that standard, the American electorate is, plain and simple, nuts.

Our Founding Fathers were not professional politicians, certainly not by today’s definition of the concept. They were businessmen and professionals with political skills, acting politically. They were also forming a government, not running one and that’s a big, very significant difference.
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Dear Journal,

Short Fiction for Guests of the Wordfeeder
Thursday, December 8, 2011

11:20 PM. He’s in bed. It’s dark, except for some faint light coming through the bedroom window blinds and the not so bright lamp on his night table.

“Hellohhhh.”

“Hello?”

“It’s me, Journal. ..You were expecting Ryan Gosling?”

“I was hoping for Ryan Reynolds.”

“Yeah, right. Well if you were Scarlett.. Scarlett..?”

“Johansson.”

“Whatever, the one with the body that won’t quit, I could be Ryan Reynolds.”

“They broke up.”

“Really? Do you have her number?”
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The De-Creeping of Ross

Short Fiction for Guests of the Wordfeeder
Monday, December 5, 2011

Leaning up against the desk inside his carrel, one of a cluster with short walls, his legs crossed, his arms folded, Ross was busy watching the girls go by. For most men, it was an innocent enough, casual if not altogether discreet hobby. For Ross, it defined him. Charlie, in the adjacent carrel, was focused on the work for which the five of them in their team were collectively responsible. The less Ross did, and it was hard for him to do any less, the more slack Charlie and the others had to pick up.

“Hey.” Ross had been watching the elevator doors.

“What?” Charlie responded, not bothering to look up from his screen.

“Take a look at Katherine. Could she be any more…”
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My Love Letter to Whole Foods

Thursday, December 1, 2011

“Ahhhh.” ……Oh, sorry. I was just remembering the day, the moment I fell in love with a grocery store.

Where good grocery stores go when they die.

It was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I had been dispatched by my wife, relative to whom I am a 1099 employee who works for pumpkin pie, to pick up a whole turkey, plus a turkey breast and some other items. Apparently, science hasn’t been able to engineer a single bird with a large enough bust line to satisfy my family’s demand for white meat. You’d think this would be a high priority for the animal husbandry specialists at Victoria’s Secret Farms where they grow the models.

And off I went, leaving at 6 AM to drive the 32 miles to the largest of the area Whole Foods Markets. That’s “Whole” as in “whole-some.” Whole Foods, if you don’t know, is a chain of upscale grocery stores. Natural this, organic that. It’s clean. Friendly. Well stocked with really attractive food. If I was single a fruit or vegetable, it’s where I would go to meet someone. (Do fruits and vegetables have gender? If not, where do those cute little dipping carrots come from?)
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The New Politics of “I blame me.”

Friday, November 25, 2011

I have an expression. It’s my expression. I made it up. I’m going to tell you the expression. You can think about it, but if you use it, you owe me a royalty.

“Screw you, buddy!” ..Hey! I heard that! I was just kidding about the royalty – unless you were actually considering paying me one, in which case I was serious. No? I didn’t think so. Anyway, I was kidding about the royalty, but thank you for helping me make my point. My point is that everybody nowadays, people, governments, everybody is way too uptight, too sensitive.

I’ll give you only one example, but there are zillions, many of which, unfortunately, have major and too often negative implications for the quality of our lives, here in America and around the world. This particular example is a fluff piece, but then I don’t want to be accused of being too serious while I’m in process of complaining about just that.
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